So, what´s the trick?
I feel like I´m new in everything nowadays: A beginner in life or something like that. It´s a pretty honest feeling and sometimes it´s like: “THIS IS AWESOME!!!” but sometimes it´s like “But, come on Ale, I thought you learnt something from the past!!!”
The other day we went to Vågakallen.
It is the biggest mountain around Henningsvaer and after a long walk; you can climb to the summit.
The route we did it wasn´t a difficult climb at all, perfect for me: a super beginner.
When I go with Andreas somewhere in the mountains I always feel like a child, learning from someone who knows A LOT about what he´s talking about.
At the same time, pressure and fear, make my learning process a little slower than I´m used to so I deal with a completely new picture of myself.
Nevertheless, that day we went out and I was thinking all the time: Don´t take this personal, trust yourself, do your best, enjoy. Like a mantra. Once and again. Breathing consciously (as pranayama taught me), walking as fast as I could and following Andreas´ advices.
Until we came to this place:
Probably between those rocks there is around 1, 1 ½ meters distance. It´s not that much if you think about it. Andreas went there and jumped like nothing. Without thinking, just like if jumping over 40 or more meters high it´s a normal thing.
And I was like:
What happens if I fall?
I´m definitely not going to do this.
Andreas was there, waiting for me on the other side, while I was dealing with myself divided between the fear of jumping, the fear of falling and the fear of being trapped for hours on that rock.
Andreas was VERY nice.
He was there trying to communicate me that it wasn´t that dangerous and that I needed to trust my feet and legs.
In my mind, all the time: No way, I can´t.
Andreas took some precautions while I was there thinking and thinking, saying: Ale, you can do this… One, two… NO I CAN´T!
We were there around 15 minutes, (Andreas says it was between 30 minutes and one hour but, for me time flew faster than ever!!!) Anyway, dealing with yourself and your fears it´s not that easy and, in other conditions, definitely, takes more than 30 minutes.
Until I jumped.
And –since I´m writing this- I survived.
That experience was, by far, one of the most important moments in my life: Taking the chance of doing something even though your mind it´s telling you that there is no way you can do it.
Sometimes in yoga it´s like that. At the beginning it can be the opposite: your mind saying “Of course I can do that, it seems simple”, but then your body don´t answer. After a few years of practice, when you have to do something new, your mind is more like: No way… Until your body achieves it (and your mind, suddenly, silent.)
On the other side of the jump there was Andreas and I realized why I love him so much. Also I realized how good he is in what he does. And how much I trust him.
I did the jump, yes, but he was there for me.
My brother made me realize how familiar this experience was with the “first” tarot card: The Fool.
In the regular representation of this card we can see a man standing at the edge of something that looks like a mountain with, probably, an abyss in front of him. But he doesn´t seems to be bothered by that. Innocent and trusting in the universe, in his dog, in his feet or whatever you want, it seems that he will continue walking no matter what.
Actually, the fool is one of the “unnumbered” cards of the deck.
The fool represents the beginning of an important journey.
Maybe feeling like a beginner it´s not that bad after all. Its the fool a fool after all?
“Life is not about answers; refers to learning to live in the midst of total uncertainty and do it with elegance.”
Mysticism and Mess, both with M.
This transformation started one year ago.
If you ask me, I REALLY don´t know how or when I created something like the “adventure” I´m in right now.
In India I had the first glimpse of what could happened with your mind/body/soul/spirit when the entire world you thought it was real, disappears. But then I came back home, back with my family, my work, my friends and everything seemed different, just like a weird and important moment not very easy to share with the others.
Now I´m here again.
Physically, in the north of the north; mentally, completely broken and this it doesn´t seemed like a rollercoaster anymore, this is more like the mixing machine on your kitchen, that machine you use every morning on your breakfast. And I´m inside that machine. All the limits, all the boundaries doesn´t exist anymore; everything is moving around and inside of me, and this is an AWESOME feeling. Because, when you get used to the fear –I learnt that an amazing feeling has to be scary- you see everything clearer than ever.
The changes, the fear and that feeling of being completely lost are a blessing in my life every day. Even though when I am hating them, I know I love them.
Because when everything is falling apart, just the important things remain, not firm on the ground but inside your little body. And suddenly you understand that, actually, you don´t have ANYTHING to lose.
Inside the body, -that body that is doing amazing little things everyday in the yoga practice- is the flame and the “truth”. Those flame and truth are different in everyone and I just saw mine but, if I asked for something in my life, was for the opportunity to discover myself. Those things good inside me and those that are bad. My fear to lose control and the good sensation that came when I surrender to the chaos. My light and all the darkness inside myself.
And here I am.
The yoga practice is the only thing that you can see still remains in my life. Everything else, from the outside, you can´t see it.