My dream from last night.

Playing with my friend Valeska,. Like in the dream!
Playing with my friend Valeska. Like in the dream!

Last night I dreamt that I was in Rishikesh with my lovely friends Rebeca and Valeska. We were walking on the crazy streets close to the Ganges river. We were happy! The city was full of life and we walked there enjoying each other and everything around us. We walked until the sun came down over the horizon…

Suddenly, many planes started to flight over the city. It was noisy and everyone became alert.   From the airplanes small bombs began to drop. Thousands of them.

In the earth, there was no more than half a meter between two bombs… It was full of them, there was nowhere to run.

Silence captured all.

“Wow, this is crazy. I will die with my friends in a bombing in Rishikesh”. I thought.

Finally, the bombs began to explode.

And they were no bombs, THEY WERE FIREWORKS!

There was nothing to be afraid of!
There was nothing to be afraid of!

Dreams are very important for me.

I wrote my dreams for about two years “training” myself to remember and analyze them. All of this that I´m living now started because of a dream: I decided to leave university and find a good yoga teacher training after an amazing dream I had.

During the last year I haven´t dream so much and for me that was sad. At the same time, inside of me, I knew that dreams would return… Last night´s dream was perfect.

There are many things that look like bombs in my life right now. I feel threatened.

I have the feeling that this can be like the work you have to do in a mine. There´s no other choice:

I will detonate all the bombs to find that treasure hidden inside.

A treasure that´s from myself, to myself.

My bombs about to explode!
My bombs about to explode!
Advertisements

Fat monsters, excuses and happiness.

These weeks have been full of loving moments.

We have been settling down in our apartment trying to deal with French bureaucracy with love and patience. We have been spending time with friends and family, enjoying the nature and all the beautiful places around us.

I wanted this. I loved to travel during the last months, meeting people and places out there (and in here) I never imagined but, at the same time, I truly needed to be in one place to be able to create everything I want to create, to be able to deal with my ambitions and my love for routine in a sane way.

But, who said that being in one place means to be static?

Many things are happening right now. After all the physical movement that traveling brought, I feel that everything is clearer inside of me… Like when, after the wave exploded and reached the shore, it cleaned everything  just to  go back to the ocean and start all over again.

I was genuinely afraid a few weeks ago. I was afraid of loneliness, thinking that I was not good enough to do this. I was afraid of failure.  At the same time, I knew that this was the moment I was waiting for so long, the time to act, the moment where actions were more valuable than words. And, since this seemed so scary, I truly wanted to escape from it. I almost did it. Almost.

After these weeks I feel bless and happy for the way things have being. It seems that life rewards you with her tenderness if you take the option to try new things, traveling in the direction of our fears as the picture says.

Sometimes our fears are dark, fat and enormous, like monsters… In this case, for me, my fat monsters were nothing more than extraordinary mountains in our backyard, new friends, lots of love and awesome opportunities to grow.

I’m happy I didn´t escape.

I didn´t realize it before but, I guess my biggest fear was to let  all excuses go away and start being happy.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

The Fool.

I feel like I´m new in everything nowadays: A beginner in life or something like that. It´s a pretty honest feeling and sometimes it´s like: “THIS IS AWESOME!!!” but sometimes it´s like “But, come on Ale, I thought you learnt something from the past!!!”

The other day we went to Vågakallen.

It is the biggest mountain around Henningsvaer and after a long walk; you can climb to the summit.

The route we did it wasn´t a difficult climb at all, perfect for me: a super beginner.

When I go with Andreas somewhere in the mountains I always feel like a child, learning from someone who knows A LOT about what he´s talking about.

At the same time, pressure and fear, make my learning process a little slower than I´m used to so I deal with a completely new picture of myself.

Nevertheless, that day we went out and I was thinking all the time: Don´t take this personal, trust yourself, do your best, enjoy.  Like a mantra. Once and again. Breathing consciously (as pranayama taught me), walking as fast as I could and following Andreas´ advices.

Until we came to this place:

Img_1001

Probably between those rocks there is around 1, 1 ½ meters distance. It´s not that much if you think about it.  Andreas went there and jumped like nothing. Without thinking, just like if jumping over 40 or more meters high it´s a normal thing.

And I was like:

No way.

I can´t.

What happens if I fall?

I´m definitely not going to do this.

Andreas was there, waiting for me on the other side, while I was dealing with myself divided between the fear of jumping, the fear of falling and the fear of being trapped for hours on that rock.

Andreas was VERY nice.

He was there trying to communicate me that it wasn´t that dangerous and that I needed to trust my feet and legs.

In my mind, all the time: No way, I can´t.

Andreas took some precautions while I was there thinking and thinking, saying: Ale, you can do this… One, two… NO I CAN´T!

We were there around 15 minutes, (Andreas says it was between 30 minutes and one hour but, for me time flew faster than ever!!!) Anyway, dealing with yourself and your fears it´s not that easy and, in other conditions, definitely, takes more than 30 minutes.

Until I jumped.

And –since I´m writing this- I survived.

That experience was, by far, one of the most important moments in my life: Taking the chance of doing something even though your mind it´s telling you that there is no way you can do it.

Sometimes in yoga it´s like that.  At the beginning it can be the opposite: your mind saying “Of course I can do that, it seems simple”, but then your body don´t answer. After a few years of practice, when you have to do something new, your mind is more like: No way… Until your body achieves it (and your mind, suddenly, silent.)

On the other side of the jump there was Andreas and I realized why I love him so much.  Also I realized how good he is in what he does. And how much I trust him.

I did the jump, yes, but he was there for me.

My brother made me realize how familiar this experience was with the “first” tarot card: The Fool.

In the regular representation of this card we can see a man standing at the edge of something that looks like a mountain with, probably, an abyss in front of him. But he doesn´t seems to be bothered by that.  Innocent and trusting in the universe, in his dog, in his feet or whatever you want, it seems that he will continue walking no matter what.

Actually, the fool is one of the “unnumbered” cards of the deck.

The fool represents the beginning of an important journey.

Maybe feeling like a beginner it´s not that bad after all. Its the fool a fool after all?

Rws_tarot_00_fool1
Tumblr_lrr2czvqv51qauxo9o1_500

Transform yourself and eliminate the bullshit :)

8d91a09a9d468e9fabb98a9d201985

Finding yoga was, for me, the beginning of a transformation that continues until today. Even though I was pretty young, since the first moment I knew I found something significant. At the same time, I knew it needed time, practice and patience to grow up. But the seed was already in my heart.

In a slow rhythm, my practice was something that had this “in crescendo” process. Every day was longer, deeper or more intense.

I don´t know when it happened that the practice started to be a moment of deep connection with myself. I mean it´s not the same type of connection you get during a yoga class or after savasana… It´s something that goes beyond that and that now, after 11 years of practice I can see like a continuous “observing myself transforming” mode.

Observing myself made me feel bad sensations sometimes: I´m not a super self confident kind of person, I have a lot of problems finding the limit between “following the flow” and “going for it” type of attitude, I sometimes just don´t know what I want.

In the other hand, in that observation I, somehow, learnt how to accept myself without many judgments, being aware of my reactions and changes, knowing that them were there teaching me much more about myself than any verbal explanation.

The other day I saw a movie called Riding giants. The movie it´s about big/giant waves surfer and the evolution of the sport since mid ’50s until now.

The movie is about a passion that goes beyond words, a passion for doing something that not just makes you happy but gives meaning to the fact of being alive (or dead).

It´s not rational at all. It´s something that it´s there in your guts or not.

Sometimes something happens in life: Maybe you had an accident, lost your job or someone you loved. Maybe you found a new practice or routine that makes you feel better. Sometimes there´s a breaking point that makes your life upside down and it´s not easy to discover that this is an opportunity to transform yourself. Sometimes its something dramatic, sometimes it comes in waves.

In the movie, Mark Renneker (who is a surfer and a doctor working with cancer patients), said something that touched my heart.

He said: “One of the things I love a about my work as a physician (…) is to see what often takes place which is transformation, they just begin to sort of eliminate the bullshit and they begin to actually live, almost for the first time. Those kinds of life changing events can come from illness, they can come from revelation, they can come for me, in a way, from big wave surfing.”

Eliminating the bullshit is the only way we have to make ourselves lighter. And I think it´s easy to realize that it´s full of bullshit everywhere but most of it, it´s in our heads. Distrust, taboos, the fear of change, our own mental square structures and all the things that are there, stopping us from doing what we want to do.

We can do it in the way we want, Dr. Rekenner found surf, I found yoga but I´m finding new things every day: The sunlight trough my window or the smile of a kid, the moving tail of a dog, the sound of my favorite song or being able to touch the skin of the people I love… I use all of those things as everyday reminders.

You have to have something inside if you want to start to empty yourself. And yes, even though we think there´s nothing, there is always something. No-thing it is Some-thing.

I don´t know what´s the meaning of life. I don´t even know if it has any sense being standing on two legs in this planet moving in the corner of the galaxy but there´s one thing that feels real for me and that it´s this voice in my head telling me: Don´t be afraid, remove the bullshit, make the package lighter and try to find the answers for the questions that you have in your heart.

All the rest will come.