My dream from last night.

Playing with my friend Valeska,. Like in the dream!
Playing with my friend Valeska. Like in the dream!

Last night I dreamt that I was in Rishikesh with my lovely friends Rebeca and Valeska. We were walking on the crazy streets close to the Ganges river. We were happy! The city was full of life and we walked there enjoying each other and everything around us. We walked until the sun came down over the horizon…

Suddenly, many planes started to flight over the city. It was noisy and everyone became alert.   From the airplanes small bombs began to drop. Thousands of them.

In the earth, there was no more than half a meter between two bombs… It was full of them, there was nowhere to run.

Silence captured all.

“Wow, this is crazy. I will die with my friends in a bombing in Rishikesh”. I thought.

Finally, the bombs began to explode.

And they were no bombs, THEY WERE FIREWORKS!

There was nothing to be afraid of!
There was nothing to be afraid of!

Dreams are very important for me.

I wrote my dreams for about two years “training” myself to remember and analyze them. All of this that I´m living now started because of a dream: I decided to leave university and find a good yoga teacher training after an amazing dream I had.

During the last year I haven´t dream so much and for me that was sad. At the same time, inside of me, I knew that dreams would return… Last night´s dream was perfect.

There are many things that look like bombs in my life right now. I feel threatened.

I have the feeling that this can be like the work you have to do in a mine. There´s no other choice:

I will detonate all the bombs to find that treasure hidden inside.

A treasure that´s from myself, to myself.

My bombs about to explode!
My bombs about to explode!
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Fat monsters, excuses and happiness.

These weeks have been full of loving moments.

We have been settling down in our apartment trying to deal with French bureaucracy with love and patience. We have been spending time with friends and family, enjoying the nature and all the beautiful places around us.

I wanted this. I loved to travel during the last months, meeting people and places out there (and in here) I never imagined but, at the same time, I truly needed to be in one place to be able to create everything I want to create, to be able to deal with my ambitions and my love for routine in a sane way.

But, who said that being in one place means to be static?

Many things are happening right now. After all the physical movement that traveling brought, I feel that everything is clearer inside of me… Like when, after the wave exploded and reached the shore, it cleaned everything  just to  go back to the ocean and start all over again.

I was genuinely afraid a few weeks ago. I was afraid of loneliness, thinking that I was not good enough to do this. I was afraid of failure.  At the same time, I knew that this was the moment I was waiting for so long, the time to act, the moment where actions were more valuable than words. And, since this seemed so scary, I truly wanted to escape from it. I almost did it. Almost.

After these weeks I feel bless and happy for the way things have being. It seems that life rewards you with her tenderness if you take the option to try new things, traveling in the direction of our fears as the picture says.

Sometimes our fears are dark, fat and enormous, like monsters… In this case, for me, my fat monsters were nothing more than extraordinary mountains in our backyard, new friends, lots of love and awesome opportunities to grow.

I’m happy I didn´t escape.

I didn´t realize it before but, I guess my biggest fear was to let  all excuses go away and start being happy.

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Duality, unity: the same thing.

I always saw myself as a person with many persons inside of me.

I always thought that the sensation of being composed by many different and –almost all of the time- irreconcilable parts was something that happened to me only (it´s not that I´m schizophrenic, it´s much more simple –or complex- than that), until I realized that it´s something that happened to everyone and that fact, somehow, made me feel better.

When I started my yoga practice 11 years ago, I learnt that the word yoga comes from the root “yuj” that means to join or unite and I thought: Wow, this is going to be interesting!

In Iyengar yoga we divided the body, every time, into littler and littler parts.

At the beginning the instructions are in the arms and legs, then it´s about the joints, bones and muscles, then it´s the flesh and the skin, going deeper and deeper until one day you realize that you are feeling the cells of your body.

Always when I´m  teaching, since I´m the one creating the divisions, I laugh to myself because  it´s kind of funny that this -apparent- contradiction can lead you to realize that you are just one big thing and that, everything is interconnected.

How can this be possible?

From my experience you can´t experience union if you didn´t experience division first. And I can say the same in the opposite way. We have the example of the coin: each coin has two sides and you can´t separate them from each other, otherwise, there won´t be a coin anymore. We can say the same about life and dead / good and evil/ light and darkness. We can say the same about ourselves.

But say something it´s different from experience something. And, for me, this is where yoga helps A LOT. Trough the yoga practice you can experience that FROM division, you have unity. Because one IMPLIES the other. This experience is something that you not just have in your brain but it´s actually happening in your body. You are -from this idea of dividing yourself into different layers going deeper and deeper- developing a new sensibility from outside in until you realize that the layers doesn´t exist anymore.

Everything we know, we can realize it (and appreciate it) because it has an opposite side, but those sides are not divided, just like the coin.

From the awareness of contrast comes the sensation of unity until we realize (not trough the brain but trough the experience), that there´s a point where the opposites not only meet but are the same.

And for me that is breathtaking. And all the “Alejandras” inside of me feels liberated.

My hip or, A way to deal with ignorance.

Kleshas

Yoga practice helps you to rediscover the forgotten link between your mind and body and this, under my experience, always modify the way you see illness and health, pleasure and pain.

When I started my practice, I remember how surprised I was when I heard my teacher saying: If you feel pain, observe it, don´t run away, try to see why that pain appeared in this moment.

During the lasts months I have been feeling some pain in my left hip: it´s a pain that comes and goes, that change and that, sometimes makes me feel angry but, other times, makes me feel compassion for myself.

There are some days where the pain moves me closer to the practice. I know that, after practice I will feel better: the pain diminishes or disappears completely. But, other days, the pain takes me away from the practice because my thinking process is something like: Ok, this pain is the result of my ignorance. There´s something that I´ve been doing wrong all this years so, if I continue practicing there´s a chance for the injury to get bigger.

During those days it´s really difficult to get and sit on my mat without an anger feeling inside me.

But then, the question is:  

Where do you find more ignorance?

Try to do something you love, even if there´s more than once chance that you´re not understanding everything of it?

Or, not do it at all, just because you´re afraid?

Patañjali (II.3) shows us Avidya as the first cause of suffering (kleshas).

When I think about it, my concept of ignorance talks about not-knowing something; ignorance has to be with inexperience.

I think this is an important concept.

It´s impossible to be able to understand something or to feel experienced in a subject since the first moment. And this is really hard to handle for the ego because there´s an awesome sensation when you feel that you´re good at something.

But, being lost, being confused and wrong, feeling inexperienced it´s part of the way, if you want to be able to feel the opposite. In this case, my pain is telling me that there´s something that I need to change; I need to revalue my practice. I have a lot of interpretations for it but, it´s more important to me, to be able to continue my practice more than ever because, when your ego is telling that you don´t need it (and my ego it´s telling me that when I´m angry) probably, it´s when you need it the most.

I´ve have experienced more than once how concepts that at first glance seem opposites, always meet somewhere. I already wrote about the feeling of being a beginner and I did the question if the fool is a fool after all… When you´re empty you´re full of space and, when you feel pain because you did something wrong, you´re learning something. Probably it´s something like this that I read today: “The non-dual reality lies beyond all appearing dual expressions.”

My ignorance it´s making me suffer physic pain but, behind that pain I can see hard work and the passion of doing the thing I love.

I know it´s time to go deeper in my practice (or time to go to the doctor), injuries come to tell you something.

I want to say that I can see the sign behind this pain but, meanwhile I understand the meaning and heal myself, I can do as my teacher thought me: observe my pain, and try to see what´s going to teach me this time.

The Fool.

I feel like I´m new in everything nowadays: A beginner in life or something like that. It´s a pretty honest feeling and sometimes it´s like: “THIS IS AWESOME!!!” but sometimes it´s like “But, come on Ale, I thought you learnt something from the past!!!”

The other day we went to Vågakallen.

It is the biggest mountain around Henningsvaer and after a long walk; you can climb to the summit.

The route we did it wasn´t a difficult climb at all, perfect for me: a super beginner.

When I go with Andreas somewhere in the mountains I always feel like a child, learning from someone who knows A LOT about what he´s talking about.

At the same time, pressure and fear, make my learning process a little slower than I´m used to so I deal with a completely new picture of myself.

Nevertheless, that day we went out and I was thinking all the time: Don´t take this personal, trust yourself, do your best, enjoy.  Like a mantra. Once and again. Breathing consciously (as pranayama taught me), walking as fast as I could and following Andreas´ advices.

Until we came to this place:

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Probably between those rocks there is around 1, 1 ½ meters distance. It´s not that much if you think about it.  Andreas went there and jumped like nothing. Without thinking, just like if jumping over 40 or more meters high it´s a normal thing.

And I was like:

No way.

I can´t.

What happens if I fall?

I´m definitely not going to do this.

Andreas was there, waiting for me on the other side, while I was dealing with myself divided between the fear of jumping, the fear of falling and the fear of being trapped for hours on that rock.

Andreas was VERY nice.

He was there trying to communicate me that it wasn´t that dangerous and that I needed to trust my feet and legs.

In my mind, all the time: No way, I can´t.

Andreas took some precautions while I was there thinking and thinking, saying: Ale, you can do this… One, two… NO I CAN´T!

We were there around 15 minutes, (Andreas says it was between 30 minutes and one hour but, for me time flew faster than ever!!!) Anyway, dealing with yourself and your fears it´s not that easy and, in other conditions, definitely, takes more than 30 minutes.

Until I jumped.

And –since I´m writing this- I survived.

That experience was, by far, one of the most important moments in my life: Taking the chance of doing something even though your mind it´s telling you that there is no way you can do it.

Sometimes in yoga it´s like that.  At the beginning it can be the opposite: your mind saying “Of course I can do that, it seems simple”, but then your body don´t answer. After a few years of practice, when you have to do something new, your mind is more like: No way… Until your body achieves it (and your mind, suddenly, silent.)

On the other side of the jump there was Andreas and I realized why I love him so much.  Also I realized how good he is in what he does. And how much I trust him.

I did the jump, yes, but he was there for me.

My brother made me realize how familiar this experience was with the “first” tarot card: The Fool.

In the regular representation of this card we can see a man standing at the edge of something that looks like a mountain with, probably, an abyss in front of him. But he doesn´t seems to be bothered by that.  Innocent and trusting in the universe, in his dog, in his feet or whatever you want, it seems that he will continue walking no matter what.

Actually, the fool is one of the “unnumbered” cards of the deck.

The fool represents the beginning of an important journey.

Maybe feeling like a beginner it´s not that bad after all. Its the fool a fool after all?

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