My hip or, A way to deal with ignorance.

Kleshas

Yoga practice helps you to rediscover the forgotten link between your mind and body and this, under my experience, always modify the way you see illness and health, pleasure and pain.

When I started my practice, I remember how surprised I was when I heard my teacher saying: If you feel pain, observe it, don´t run away, try to see why that pain appeared in this moment.

During the lasts months I have been feeling some pain in my left hip: it´s a pain that comes and goes, that change and that, sometimes makes me feel angry but, other times, makes me feel compassion for myself.

There are some days where the pain moves me closer to the practice. I know that, after practice I will feel better: the pain diminishes or disappears completely. But, other days, the pain takes me away from the practice because my thinking process is something like: Ok, this pain is the result of my ignorance. There´s something that I´ve been doing wrong all this years so, if I continue practicing there´s a chance for the injury to get bigger.

During those days it´s really difficult to get and sit on my mat without an anger feeling inside me.

But then, the question is:  

Where do you find more ignorance?

Try to do something you love, even if there´s more than once chance that you´re not understanding everything of it?

Or, not do it at all, just because you´re afraid?

Patañjali (II.3) shows us Avidya as the first cause of suffering (kleshas).

When I think about it, my concept of ignorance talks about not-knowing something; ignorance has to be with inexperience.

I think this is an important concept.

It´s impossible to be able to understand something or to feel experienced in a subject since the first moment. And this is really hard to handle for the ego because there´s an awesome sensation when you feel that you´re good at something.

But, being lost, being confused and wrong, feeling inexperienced it´s part of the way, if you want to be able to feel the opposite. In this case, my pain is telling me that there´s something that I need to change; I need to revalue my practice. I have a lot of interpretations for it but, it´s more important to me, to be able to continue my practice more than ever because, when your ego is telling that you don´t need it (and my ego it´s telling me that when I´m angry) probably, it´s when you need it the most.

I´ve have experienced more than once how concepts that at first glance seem opposites, always meet somewhere. I already wrote about the feeling of being a beginner and I did the question if the fool is a fool after all… When you´re empty you´re full of space and, when you feel pain because you did something wrong, you´re learning something. Probably it´s something like this that I read today: “The non-dual reality lies beyond all appearing dual expressions.”

My ignorance it´s making me suffer physic pain but, behind that pain I can see hard work and the passion of doing the thing I love.

I know it´s time to go deeper in my practice (or time to go to the doctor), injuries come to tell you something.

I want to say that I can see the sign behind this pain but, meanwhile I understand the meaning and heal myself, I can do as my teacher thought me: observe my pain, and try to see what´s going to teach me this time.

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Transform yourself and eliminate the bullshit :)

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Finding yoga was, for me, the beginning of a transformation that continues until today. Even though I was pretty young, since the first moment I knew I found something significant. At the same time, I knew it needed time, practice and patience to grow up. But the seed was already in my heart.

In a slow rhythm, my practice was something that had this “in crescendo” process. Every day was longer, deeper or more intense.

I don´t know when it happened that the practice started to be a moment of deep connection with myself. I mean it´s not the same type of connection you get during a yoga class or after savasana… It´s something that goes beyond that and that now, after 11 years of practice I can see like a continuous “observing myself transforming” mode.

Observing myself made me feel bad sensations sometimes: I´m not a super self confident kind of person, I have a lot of problems finding the limit between “following the flow” and “going for it” type of attitude, I sometimes just don´t know what I want.

In the other hand, in that observation I, somehow, learnt how to accept myself without many judgments, being aware of my reactions and changes, knowing that them were there teaching me much more about myself than any verbal explanation.

The other day I saw a movie called Riding giants. The movie it´s about big/giant waves surfer and the evolution of the sport since mid ’50s until now.

The movie is about a passion that goes beyond words, a passion for doing something that not just makes you happy but gives meaning to the fact of being alive (or dead).

It´s not rational at all. It´s something that it´s there in your guts or not.

Sometimes something happens in life: Maybe you had an accident, lost your job or someone you loved. Maybe you found a new practice or routine that makes you feel better. Sometimes there´s a breaking point that makes your life upside down and it´s not easy to discover that this is an opportunity to transform yourself. Sometimes its something dramatic, sometimes it comes in waves.

In the movie, Mark Renneker (who is a surfer and a doctor working with cancer patients), said something that touched my heart.

He said: “One of the things I love a about my work as a physician (…) is to see what often takes place which is transformation, they just begin to sort of eliminate the bullshit and they begin to actually live, almost for the first time. Those kinds of life changing events can come from illness, they can come from revelation, they can come for me, in a way, from big wave surfing.”

Eliminating the bullshit is the only way we have to make ourselves lighter. And I think it´s easy to realize that it´s full of bullshit everywhere but most of it, it´s in our heads. Distrust, taboos, the fear of change, our own mental square structures and all the things that are there, stopping us from doing what we want to do.

We can do it in the way we want, Dr. Rekenner found surf, I found yoga but I´m finding new things every day: The sunlight trough my window or the smile of a kid, the moving tail of a dog, the sound of my favorite song or being able to touch the skin of the people I love… I use all of those things as everyday reminders.

You have to have something inside if you want to start to empty yourself. And yes, even though we think there´s nothing, there is always something. No-thing it is Some-thing.

I don´t know what´s the meaning of life. I don´t even know if it has any sense being standing on two legs in this planet moving in the corner of the galaxy but there´s one thing that feels real for me and that it´s this voice in my head telling me: Don´t be afraid, remove the bullshit, make the package lighter and try to find the answers for the questions that you have in your heart.

All the rest will come.

Magic summer !

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Surrounded by mountains, islands and sea, climbers and adventurers. Surrounded by cloudberries and cod. I´ve feel lost and I´ve returned to find myself. I left my heart just to return to it again and again.

At times exhausting, at times really exciting – Inspiring all the time.

I´ve gone deeper in my yoga practice, feeling my body changing constantly, feeling more strength than ever and, at the same time, feeling really sensitive to everything around me, just as Swami Gitananda Giri said: “You are just becoming more sensitive and you are paying the price for conquering this sensitivity.”

I´ve been sharing my small knowledge freely and receiving in return a lot of love, honesty and gratitude.

But the most grateful here it´s myself.

The first truth is that I already had a summer in the southern hemisphere this year.

The second truth is that these months had been a little wet, windy and chilly for the concept of summer that I used to have. I am not t complaining, not at all. How can I complain when it´s right here, on the breakdown of my mental concepts, where hides the secret that has made this summer a magical one?

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This moment is perfect.

There´s something about the occasions I felt I was “right”: I never learnt anything.

There was always my ego -the worst part of it- feeling really good, but actually myself (the part of me that I identify as the “real” me) wasn´t there at all. There was this image of myself, following all the concepts I already knew perfectly, but there wasn´t anything new, any risk, any challenge or any healing. Even though I´m a person for whom it’s really easy to make others feel good. For me it’s really easy to “see” where I can help others to be better, or to grow, or to “complete” themselves, if you know what I mean.

My challenge is a lot about how to show myself the way to “improve me” in the places of myself I´m not aware of at all.

This is a way of seeing life.

And, my way of seeing life has a lot to do with my yoga practice. It is about discovering myself in every corner of my behavior, in every moment; in the present, in the past, in the future. And, after that, being able to see the patrons behind that, and to see the way of not cheating myself at all.

I´m wondering if that is really possible at all: To be able to see myself completely and don´t feel that I’m “betraying” myself being the way I am.

Even though for me, life has a lot to do with “educating” myself, I really would like to feel good the way I am. Understanding that there is a lot I have to change and to improve, but feeling good, feeling confidence about myself, knowing that, inside of myself, hides the diamond that every soul is having.

Inside of our little body hides God. Our little way of expressing it, is sacred. Even though I have to learn, and change so many things, in this moment, my behavior is sacred.

Thousand pieces.

One year ago I was flying to India for the first time. I have talked about my experiences there before so I won’t say too much about it. I am just going to say this: after the trip I was reborn.

After spending three months in Pune I went to Paris for some weeks to see my lovely friend Rebeca. I also met my precious mother there.

Being with such beautiful companions, I don´t know how I ended up one evening at Centre Pompidou, just by myself.

Paris – Delhi –Bombay” was the name of this exhibition made mainly for indian artists “talking” about India. Being there seeing all this amazing pieces of art just added more overwhelmness to my already overwhelmed spirit.

And that day I saw this painting. And I saw myself on it.

I still do.

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For me, yoga practice is about questioning myself, all the time: Who am I?

And it´s about trying to answer the question with courage and honesty. At the beginning of my practice, all type of answers started to came out, one by one, from outside in. During these years, the practice –and the question- have been going deeper and deeper.

I don´t have an answer.

And I feel more lost than ever but it does not matter at all.

When the pain finally goes away, feeling yourself as a broken human being is a gift because, behind this new empty space, something sacred is about to be born.

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