To deal with myself is much more difficult than a handstand.

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There are many difficult postures. It took me years to do something closer to a “proper” padmasana, sirsasana or sarvangasana. Even tadasana is a real new experience every day of practice. For some, maybe that is one of the qualities that makes Yoga practice different: It never ends. No matter where you are in practice, there is always a way to go deeper, to go a little bit further. At the same time, all of us –yogis and yoginis– feel grateful for being able to have a new practice every day. I feel stuck and then the flow begins again. Stuck again, for a while… Maybe is in just one posture, maybe one part of the body that doesn´t respond, maybe some injury that brings humbleness. And then the flow of energy that makes me feel light and full of energy again. The funny thing is that, usually, the part of “my body” that feels stuck more often is my mind. And this is not always easy to see:  Old ideas running in circles inside of myself.The feeling that I am not good enough. The feeling that -for being good enough- I have to practice more. That, for going deeper and be awesome, I have to achieve that posture that is so difficult and that already created a type of trauma in myself so, every time I try to practice it, the feelings of fear and dissatisfaction paralyze me. Sometimes it is the feeling that I have to look better; I have to have many things that would “make” my life easier and happier. Also, there is the victim feeling, of course! Or as Pascal Bruckner calls it: The self-proclaimed martyr. A person who sees plenty of people resposible for his condition, but never himself. Sometimes is just one of those conditions, sometimes all the insecurities appear in front of my eyes and I can see how the self confidence starts to disappear until all the good things that I thought about myself are the size of an ant. And the insecurities are a mountain beside it. But then, I don´t have to climb every mountain. At least not today. As I learnt from my skiers friends, all depends on the weather conditions. Sometimes its perfect weather to go outside and climb. Sometimes, its better to stay at home, resting, preparing the mind to the challenge that you know will come tomorrow, or the day after, when the weather, instead of pull us backwards, will help us to move. Because everything is changing all the time: The weather, the ants, the mountains and, happily, the way I feel about myself.

 

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You can find pearls everywhere.

Simple-is-beautiful

 

The practice of yoga changed completely the way I experienced feelings.

Prashantji describes asana as a linguistic laboratory where we start to understand the language of the mind. Because before our asana practice words like dedication, frustration, devotion, pain, had a completely different meaning. And that is because we actually “experienced” those words in every practice.

In an older post I wrote about how I discovered Ahimsa.

Through Ahimsa we started to experience love.  Love to ourselves, to our body, compassion with our mind. We started to see the others in a different perspective.

During these years of practice I´ve been observing how my relationships changed: my fears were disappearing trough the years. My heart opened.

The thing is that now I feel that I love more than before but, most important, I love better.

As Jodorowsky said:

Empty mind, full heart.

Ahimsa: The journey of Love.

I guess it was during the first month of practice when my teacher talked about ahimsa.

What is this?

Is he talking about taking care of myself?

Treat me with love?

This new concept, this thing that my teacher was asking from me really blew my mind. It was something that no one -never ever- asked me to do before.

Raised in a catholic family, I knew a lot about the importance of taking care for others, feel compassion, “stand in the others feet”. But now there was this man asking me to turn it upside down. Outside in. From the others to myself.

A big journey started: A journey where I was, for the first time, aware of the feelings I felt about myself.

The thing that impressed me most was to actually see how violent I was with myself. How rude, impatient and extremely hard. It was during the hours of practice when I began to treat myself with tenderness, love and patience. In those moments I started to be warm with myself.

Slowly this little change in my point of view began to permeate all other aspects of my person.

I saw clearly, for example, how my idea of success changed outright. Now it had not to do with exceling, go faster than the others or winning something. Now success was just being there, aware of myself, feeling and taking care of myself, facing things at my own pace, being faithful to myself. Inhaling and exhalingnot just in my hours of practice but every time.

After this period observing all those changes, a new question came:

So, if I treat myself this way, how am I with the others?

Everything started all over again because all the love I was giving to myself moved from inside out transforming me into a much more compassionate, patient, understanding person. Then, little by little, the boundaries that separated me from others were disappearing. Slowly I realized that, regardless of location, language, religion, tastes there will always be much more things uniting us than separate us.

In Gurujis words: “Look at the essence and don´t be fool by names”.

As when we fell in love.

Ajedrez