Malcom Browne. 1963
Would it be that the desire for liberation –moksa– is also part of the ego?
How to liberate from ego if, shallower or deeper, we are following its movements all the time?
This searching of freedom starts with a “good intention” but after a while, you realized that, the fear was behind that good intention. The fear of ego itself.
I see my ego as other me. My ego is my alter ego.
It is like a character.
Is that one inside of me who wants comfort and appreciation. The one who wants to achieve this or that asana to be able to say (to the others or myself, -is the same in the end-): Look! I can do this!
I see my ego as that part that identifies itself with everything. That part who suffers every time that feels fear. Its the fraction of me who, instead of sitting and trust in the evolution of things, it is there trying to grasp the whole thing, trying to realize why things are what they are, moving from one side to another, trying to follow the rhythm of change in everything that surround us.
Is that part of myself that goes in front of me: Imagine you are in the middle of a meditation. Suddenly you feel that a part of you is totally away, a part of you already stood up and now is in other place feeling afraid of lose –during the meditation- “everything” –that at the end is nothing-. That part of me that is bothering me in my inner –and eternal- meditation is my ego.
Some people say that language creates reality. I prefer to say that language creates duality. I say this because I know I´m talking of myself as somebody else but, I´m talking about my essence, I am talking about the rupture that is inside of me. A beautiful rupture, that its there allowing me to explore, feel and live. Sometimes going forward, sometimes backwards but, all the time, living.
I could not say “alert”; I don´t trust in that word.
What “being alert” means? Does it mean to be awake? Being alert means putting myself constantly in a mental condition that is not natural. It is like being defending myself constantly so, after those imminent attacks that will come in the spiritual search, I will be able to say: Look! I saw you coming! I was alert!
If being alert means that, I don´t want to be alert. I prefer those attacks destroying me once and again, because what hurts during those attacks it is the ego moving away from the illusion of control. It hurts because it believed that been alert was some kind of key, but it wasn´t. And –I have to tell it again- it hurts.
The good thing is that, after each attack, you are there not just stronger and braver –finally this is also part of the illusion- but you are standing there and something started to feel different. Like when you want to open an egg and the shell slowly starts to break. Exactly the same but inside of you. And, behind that broken shell something starts to appear.
The sunrise is coming.
And you suddenly starts to see this zen monk inside of you. This monk have been there meditating for centuries and you can feel – through him- the complete and deep connection with everything that surrounds us. This zen monk is a flame in the middle of your chest. And this flame warms us and also burns us until our smashed ego is able to hear his words of comfort: Ease. Everything is and will be all right. Come on, sit by my side. Come. You are able to do it. Everything is all right. Close your eyes. Breath. Everything is all right.