To deal with myself is much more difficult than a handstand.

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There are many difficult postures. It took me years to do something closer to a “proper” padmasana, sirsasana or sarvangasana. Even tadasana is a real new experience every day of practice. For some, maybe that is one of the qualities that makes Yoga practice different: It never ends. No matter where you are in practice, there is always a way to go deeper, to go a little bit further. At the same time, all of us –yogis and yoginis– feel grateful for being able to have a new practice every day. I feel stuck and then the flow begins again. Stuck again, for a while… Maybe is in just one posture, maybe one part of the body that doesn´t respond, maybe some injury that brings humbleness. And then the flow of energy that makes me feel light and full of energy again. The funny thing is that, usually, the part of “my body” that feels stuck more often is my mind. And this is not always easy to see:  Old ideas running in circles inside of myself.The feeling that I am not good enough. The feeling that -for being good enough- I have to practice more. That, for going deeper and be awesome, I have to achieve that posture that is so difficult and that already created a type of trauma in myself so, every time I try to practice it, the feelings of fear and dissatisfaction paralyze me. Sometimes it is the feeling that I have to look better; I have to have many things that would “make” my life easier and happier. Also, there is the victim feeling, of course! Or as Pascal Bruckner calls it: The self-proclaimed martyr. A person who sees plenty of people resposible for his condition, but never himself. Sometimes is just one of those conditions, sometimes all the insecurities appear in front of my eyes and I can see how the self confidence starts to disappear until all the good things that I thought about myself are the size of an ant. And the insecurities are a mountain beside it. But then, I don´t have to climb every mountain. At least not today. As I learnt from my skiers friends, all depends on the weather conditions. Sometimes its perfect weather to go outside and climb. Sometimes, its better to stay at home, resting, preparing the mind to the challenge that you know will come tomorrow, or the day after, when the weather, instead of pull us backwards, will help us to move. Because everything is changing all the time: The weather, the ants, the mountains and, happily, the way I feel about myself.

 

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